To my daughter…

Be gentle my little thunderstorm the world has only just begun to get ready…

The smell of your head on my chest and I’m somewhere else, watching- like a girl watching romantic comedies waiting to be appreciated for her messy hair and glasses as she types away lost in a Starbucks a story that only exists in fairytales and Hollywood fantasies.

Lying on a mattress on a floor of an existence I barely survived and I saw nothing when I closed my eyes. No dreams, no fantastic love stories or knights in white armor just darkness. Hope searing from my bones I felt nothing. Absence, the loss of sunlight and color and beauty in sunsets- blank. Empty. My soul was void. White- the absence of anything. My hope was torn- shred in so many pieces I gave up trying to collect it. I thought more about death than anything else. I turned my head from mirrors on the occasion I’d shower and when I caught I glimpse my eyes were black. I’d stare and wait, for a slimmer of recognition. Then the mirror would fog enough my face slowly disappeared in the steam and I was gone. I’d been gone for years.

In this moment those memories are just that. Images, slowly being replaced by moments like these. Your tiny hands on my chest, your head resting on my heartbeat and you’re breathing feels like music when I close my eyes. You know no other person but the one whose heartbeat you are the only one to recognize from the inside. You grab my pinkies and your navy blue eyes wander around at this new, beautiful world where you know nothing but touch, and love and warmth and trust. Trust in me I’ll keep you safe, and happy and I’ll make sure my darkness never enters your life. You will be so loved baby girl. You’ve healed wounds that have run decades deep just by existing and you were created by true love.

May you always be strong enough to stand by what you believe in but walk away from what you don’t. May these nights on my chest show you unconditional is the only love you can accept as you grow. May your nights let you dream wisely and may your days help them come true. May you never know absence or longing and may those who promise you greatness never fail to deliver- and if they do, May you always be able to deliver your greatness on your own. May your eyes be beautiful but your soul be true and may you never know a pain too deep to conquer. May you ask for help when you need it and offer it when it’s needed by others. May you love deeply, and speak honestly. May your kindness be true but never be weak. May you learn from my mistakes and defeat your own calmly and without haste. May you be happy and may you only accept a soulmate kind of love. May you light up the stars with your smile little one, you never know whose life you may change.

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